I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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