Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we're so committed to being not committed
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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