i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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