I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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