Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize