I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
