Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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