there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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