You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
