My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
