Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
