i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
