I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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