yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
