I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
