what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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