I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
