Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
