yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
