I'm lost and stupid without you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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