there was a trapeze. enough said
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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