my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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