I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
