Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
