you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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