That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
