i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
These tits shall not be calmed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
