He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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