I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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