I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
