all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
