so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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