i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
