i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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