So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
