My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
