I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize