I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
