things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
