I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
