Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
