Farmville is her only friend.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
