Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
