Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
