I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
