hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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