just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
