how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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