dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is wine microwaveable?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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