This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
