I think i peed on brittanys purse
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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