Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Houston, we have a squirter
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
