Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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