somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
