$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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