I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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