The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
