Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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