I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
