i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
