Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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