i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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