oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
