I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
