I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
