maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
