peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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