How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
