The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
