Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize