We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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