There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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