He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
