My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
