I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
