The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
