Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
