thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
