Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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