well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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