Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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