whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
