I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
