You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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